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| Forever Friend |
June 12, 2005 21:40 |
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Corey
Calgary |
My Beautiful Friend...Paula,
It's taken me along time to come here. I do come to view other memories once in awhile but I never knew what to say and I'm still not sure but I'm going to give it a shot.
It's been six months today since we lost you, it's so unfair. Last Sunday, June 5th, the Fitness on 5th staff planted a tree in the playground at the 'Y' in your memory. Beside the tree, there is a rock with a black granite plaque attached to it that says "Paula's Tree", it was pouring rain but nobody cared because it was all for you. It gives us a place to go to be with you and near you, it is beautiful just like you.
I came and worked out in the PT studio today, I find myself in there alot now, that was for both of us. I sat there for while thinking about some of the crazy things you would try to get me to do in there, I did a few today. "Come workout with me" you would always say, most of the time I would decline, didn't want to be put to shame or I would just come and watch and talk because I was working. You always inspired me to work harder and now I do but I wish that I would have trained with you when you were here.
While sitting there I was thinking about the "smoores", "moores" and "alot moores", the whole conference weekend, the toblerone bar, so many other things and the Friday before, I think about that alot, you were so happy to be going to Canmore to be with your friends, I so wish that I could have come with you when you asked, but I wish alot of things.
I love and miss you my friend, I think about you and your family everyday. You will always and forever be in my heart. |
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| Thinking of you |
June 5, 2005 18:14 |
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Nancy
Calgary |
Paula,
Today we gathered to remember you, I didn't need help. I think of you everyday. Whenever I get upset with someone, and my mind starts to race, thoughts of you bring me back to the bigger picture. Life is too short to stress right! You will always inspire me to be a better person (or strive to be...). I still can't believe you are gone. If not in my head you will alway be in my heart, love and miss you so much. |
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| MADD Candlelight Vigil Calgary |
May 20, 2005 12:17 |
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The Ashbys
ON |
These words were read by a close friend of Paula's at the MADD Candlelight Vigil in Calgary last Saturday:
"Paula Lynn Ashby.
In the early morning of December 12 2004, the people of this city and around the world lost Paula Lynn Ashby to a drunk driver. She was killed on her way to work at the YWCA here in Calgary - a place where she loved - and was loved greatly in return.
Daughter, sister, friend, mentor, athlete, musician, beautiful spirit, giver of big hugs, smiles and “high-fives”, she was a young woman who was passionately alive. She loved life; and it showed, for she lived the 29 years she was given with full heart.
We carry with us her gifts of mindful presence… awareness… energy… selflessness… strength, courage, tenacity… empathy… compassion… warmth… laughter…and light. She will always be remembered; her gifts to us will be given to others and to others after that…
Paula, you are loved and missed. You will always be our inspiration. We are so proud of what you did with your life and we thank you for all that you were able to give in the time that we had you here with us." |
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| Paula, |
April 30, 2005 13:28 |
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Sarah
Canmore |
Well, I tried to send a message on your birthday but for some reason it wouldn't work. Sooo, very much like me, my birthday wish comes late, but always with no less love. The last time we spent together was when you came down to celebrate my 30th. It truly made my day that you were there to give me the biggest gift you could give- yourself... with that big grin and a back breaking warm hug. You wrote me a letter about sharing our 40th birthday together, wherever we would be and wrote me insights that only a true friend had the ability to see and put in words. It meant the world to me to share that day/evening with you, and so for your 30th I think of you and celebrate the amazing woman you became... both with happiness and extreme sadness.
I miss you sooo much Paula |
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| Embracing the day... |
April 27, 2005 18:25 |
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Carole
Canmore |
When most people would cringe at the idea of turning 30, Paula was ready to embrace it. As she did with everything in life. Last september, Paula and I were putting together a gift for Sarah's 30th. She couldn't have had more fun doing this!! She also couldn't wait to turn 30. Paula was so excited for Sarah and anxiously waited for her own to come around.
Since Paula is no longer with us, several of us will join together tonight to have a small celebration for her,with a huge rich chocolate cake with the words LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH on top, along with a glass of wine.(though it probably won't be Baby Duck!) Even though she shouldn't eat this cake...she would have looked at it with huge tempting eyes...and then had some anyway!! Paula lived in the moment...(and then sometimes paid for it later!!)
Thinking of you,
Love and miss you Paula
;) |
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| Happy Birthday Paula |
April 27, 2005 18:20 |
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Rhonda
Calgary |
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Thank you for appearing in my dreams last night Paula. You looked so happy and reassured me that you were okay and that I could stop worrying. This has been a reoccuring dream since you've been gone. I still miss you like crazy, but I can take comfort in these images and words that come to me in my dreams...Love you Paula - Happy Birthday today! |
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April 27, 2005 10:59 |
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Sheila
Calgary |
I knew Paula for about a year. I used to go home and tell my husband about this fantastic girl at the gym (YWCA) and how much she helped and inspired me. We got along well, as we were close to the same age and had quite a few things in common. Paula really became a mentor. Not since childhood has someone my own age (or younger in this case) been a role-model.
I never understood the extent of her pain, she was always so upbeat you would never have known. Rather than complaining, she was always searching for solutions. I was going through some health issues as well, and her positive approach to life continues to inspire me.
Paula, I’ve never met anyone quite like you. You have made an enormous impact on me, I think about you every day. I think that you understood more about life, about what’s really important, in your 29 years than most people ever do. Happy Birthday Paula, we love you always. |
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April 21, 2005 17:41 |
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Jan
Calgary |
The following is a speech I made at the YWCA's Annual General Meeting that was dedicated to Paula's memory. I thought I would share it here.
AGM Speech
2005
Good Morning everyone.
Claudia Emes, our President of the Board, was kind enough to dedicate this meeting to the memory of Paula Ashby, a very influential and loved member of the YWCA Fitness on 5th staff who passed away in a car accident in December of 2004.
It means a great deal to me to be able to speak of the impact that Paula had on the organization, and how through her example, we can all realize that there is great influence in the power of one individual.
For the last few years at the AGM, we have had clients stand up and give moving talks on how the YWCA has helped their lives, and how the organization made a dramatic difference to them. This year, I would like to, on behalf of Paula, emphasize the importance of one individual being able to make a difference in others lives.
You see, Paula meant so much to the clients of the YWCA. When we put on a celebration of her life (in stead of a funeral service) in the gymnasium at the downtown location of the YWCA, over 300 people attended. This included members of the fitness centre, subsidized clients of health & recreation, clients of other programs of the organization, staff, friends, community members, community leaders and, of course, family. The theme that came out when you talked to everyone in attendance was that Paula touched their lives. Through her positive attitude, her guidance in health and wellness, and her caring nature, she meant so much to everyone she came in contact with. And in turn, the YWCA meant so much to her. In an unfinished letter that was found in her vehicle, and was read by her father at the service, it spoke of the YWCA. It spoke to the staff that she considered as her friends, supporters, confidants, and in absence of a family in Calgary, were her extended family. The interesting thing is that how she wrote of the staff and clients of the YWCA was exactly how she was seen by everyone she came into contact with. It makes us realize the importance of relationships, of caring, and of making a difference.
Her touch was so far reaching, and this was evident in how everyone felt about her. Her actions demonstrates to us the ability of one person, and their ability to influence so many lives.
The memory of Paula also teaches us about choices. She had a serious ailment that caused her unrelenting, constant pain, yet she always chose to carry on – and carry on with a kind and caring manner.
We all have a choice to either turn our backs on what is presented to us, or tackle it head on. We can choose to ignore social issues, or we can choose to tackle them. We can choose to do nothing for our fellow person, or we can choose to make a difference. We can choose to worry more about ourselves than our community, or we can choose to make a difference. You see, if we follow Paula’s example; to choose to be positive, to care for people, to care for others well-being --- no matter if it is their mental, social, or physical well being --- we are then consciously choosing to act in a manner which reflects Paula’s lead. We choose to make a difference.
Shortly before her death, Paula and I had a discussion in my office. I remember vividly her shifting back and forth, trying to find a spot of no pain (I think it mimicked the shifting in her own head) – for she talked to me about her personal struggle to find out who she was, for her to understand what she was meant to do.
Well, it’s easy for me to see now; she was meant to make a difference in people’s lives. I think deep down, that is what we are all meant to do. And as employees of the YWCA, that is what the staff, each one individually, does.
Paula also taught us, in addition to the power that we can have in making a difference, and the importance of choosing to make a positive impact in people’s lives, is that life is about the here and now, the moment, and she lived it that way.
This is why it is such an honour for me to stand up here today, and to speak, on behalf of Paula, on the importance of the one individual. The importance of making choices and making a difference.
I thank Paula for making a difference in my life, and I leave all of you with one question that you can only answer yourselves – do you choose to make a difference? |
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April 20, 2005 07:08 |
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Lesley
Van |
30 years ago on April 27th you were born…and this day became one of the best days of my life. And of many others.
The Divine plan or the random Chance that you would be my sister is the absolute best thing about life for me. A miracle. A Miraculous Chance. However it may have happened… we were to be sisters, best friends forever connected, as you said, “You are the closest Being to my heart. We will never lose touch”.
I’ve looked at some pictures of us, when we were really young. It took me a while to open those books with the pictures of us growing up…(Mom and Dad are unable to do this -- it will be a while…) I wasn’t strong enough to look at all of the pictures, but I looked at enough to notice that in every picture of us together… your arms are around me and you look at me as though you are thinking: “This person is my sister. This person belongs to me ”.
It’s been over four months now since you’ve been gone. I have to admit, Paula, I haven’t been doing very well at all. Well, that’s an understatement. I feel as though I’ve lost half of my self. And in actuality, I have. People tell me that the more time goes by, the easier it will become for us in terms of grief. But the more time goes by, the further away you seem, the angrier I become, more waiting, wishing, bargaining… for what? At your celebration of life ceremony in Calgary, Jan said, “Paula wasn’t just living…she was alive”. Yes I agree; that is what you were. Alive. I myself long to be, but I am only simply mindlessly living, talking, breathing…and sometimes not even breathing, for I sometimes catch myself not exhaling properly, I don’t know why. Seems I’ve got to go back and learn the basics: Breathing: 101. Eating, Engaging in Conversation, The Art of Buying Groceries, Smiling: 101.
And then there’s the anger. Anger has taken over me entirely. Soooo angry. And when I’m not angry I don’t feel anything at all. I know this is weakness and selfishness and it will (notice future tense) be my goal to accept it and “work it out constructively” (this appears in quotations because it is a piece of advice given to me). So, so, soooo angry. I’m just ready for a fight. Something. Someone. And it’s dark. And cold. And for the very first time in my life I understand what real loneliness is.
I have so much I want to say to you, to talk to you about. Things that I would only say to you. Things that only you would accept and understand. I miss how we would get “this feeling” about each other, even thousands of miles away; that something was wrong, or something was good. We were like freaky twins that could feel what the other was feeling (where does that kind of energy go?) I wrote to you in Japan: “I think you of everyday, Paula! I hope you know that”. And you replied, “Yes, I know that you think of me! Because I think of you all of the time”. I miss “this feeling” -- that indescribable connection and energy. Felt only between us. Very few people have that kind of connection, you told me once. We are lucky. But I don’t know where you are now. That is what I meant earlier when I said that I feel like I’ve lost half of my self.
After these four months, I’m actually still in shock that you are not physically here, and that I can’t talk to you, or see you or hear you, read any of your new letters, or “novels” as you called them. Your novels and emails always ending with: “I love you soooooo much”. I still wait for your emails, your novels, your phone calls. I wake up sometimes thinking that it was all a bad dream…that you are here. NOT FAIR. I have our numerous emails printed off, which I read every night over and over and over… and your voice resonates in my head, your laugh, your worries and hopes. In the DVD Sarah made in tribute to you are parts where you are speaking and laughing and I put my headphones on maximum volume and it is as though you are right here, laughing beside me. I can almost put my hand on your knee and join you in laughter, “Alotta ice, alotta water…ha ha ha…”
This will sound macabre (but I know you will understand – and most likely only you): I actually take comfort in that “Everyone dies”, and (as morbid as it sounds) that dying is so easy. So easy that it has become natural. So natural that it has become acceptable. I must think of it in this way or I will lose my mind!
(By natural and acceptable I do not mean “accidental”… for deaths are preventable and I DO NOT ACCEPT the way in which you died and I WILL FIGHT. I have the same blood as you -- I’m strong).
Yeah, dying is easy. Too easy for us to accept. We have soft bodies, hard minds; we ceaselessly surrounded ourselves with metal. I accept fragility. I accept that tissue, muscle, bones however strong, are soft, and are no match for metal, chemicals, or testosterone mixed with alcohol and speed. It’s easy, so I’m not afraid to go “there”. I hope others are not afraid. It cannot be such a terrible thing if everyone goes there. You are there. You are in good and plentiful company and it is only a matter of time that I will find you and be with you again. I know this in my heart. So I am not afraid.
You knew all of this, these things I am saying now. Last August we went to Canmore to spend some time in the mountains, away from the city. We visited Carole, Sarah and Christine. It had been really hot those weeks and I had never seen The Three Sisters and her neighbours without any snow on them whatsoever… remember how I marveled at this silly occurrence? And we sang out the windows into the wind, “I’m a ship, I’m a ship, I’m a ship… Out on the sea… None of my love… Floating wild come back to me… So I write you a letter, I’ll write you a letter… With this here pen…” And we found a little hill where we sat together looking at the scorched mountaintops. And I started crying: “I’m sorry, Paula...I can’t believe this is happening to you…” But you didn’t say anything, you continued to stare at the mountains and you hugged me. You weren’t so afraid. You didn’t pity yourself. You never thought of yourself as a victim. Frustrated and confused, yes. But you never felt sorry for yourself, not for long. You wrote to me in Japan: “The reality of my situation hit me like a rock to the head…but despite the dark tone I have created in this email… I am not living in a dark world! I am very much alive and aware”.
Paula, I’m so proud of you. You have brightened the lives of so many people. I have been so “blessed” to have you as my sister. Everyday I am so grateful that we are sisters. Each day I thank “God” (the Divine plan or random Chance or whatever) for you. For you being my sister. I thank “God” for the start of your life 30 years ago. I’m so lucky. Everyone who has had the privilege to know you is lucky. I want to say thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. I have your smile, your hugs, your music, your laugh, your piggy and puppy noises, your stupid habits (which I always acted as though they annoyed me but secretly loved them) to know your thoughts and dreams. To have these things of you. “This person is my sister. This person belongs to me”.
And most of all, I have that you left with me with so few regrets. I have these words which get me through each day, which will push me to continue to make you proud, to do something with my life, as you did. Your words:
“Lesley, You are my sister. And thank “God” that you are. We will never lose touch. We will never lose that strange strength that we both possess. And we will never be able to forget how painfully silly we can get when we are together …What you chose to do with your talent is fine either way, as long as it makes you happy… You are always in my heart; you’re a part of my soul. You are always in the Light. You are the closest Being to my heart. With all of the love I could possibly possess, I love you, Lesley.”
I thank April 27th 1975.
I love you soooooo much. I will find you someday. |
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| goodbye paula |
April 13, 2005 21:45 |
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jorge
ashland, oregon |
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I got the news today about your passing to the other side and my spirit just droped like a hammer. I'm still too shocked to tell stories but I will share as much as I can soon. So sorry for not communicating in the last few years. I will always remember the summer of 99 when we worked in Alaska. You taught me so much about life and the search of happiness. I love you my dear Paula and your spirit will live on for ever. |
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| you are here |
April 6, 2005 02:46 |
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rhonda
calgary |
new zealand pinor noir and
the movie sideways makes us
laugh and laugh
and i love your expressions
with your new artsy gotee
why then tears
flow so hard
for so long
missing her
holding you
clutching you
like a baby
in its parents' arms
my pink flannel pajama pants
in one chair with you
crying, missing her
time and space
what does it mean
was it too good to be true?
she is here
she holds my hand and
comforts me and
i love her
and she is not
far away
so close in fact
i can feel her
and that is why
i cry into your arms
for an hour
after a funny movie
your eyes never looked so green
you said
in that green shirt
Nature Lover
says the tank top
time for bed
and sleep
what will dreams bring
tonight
love love love |
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| Face Down in the Muck |
March 30, 2005 22:32 |
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Matt
Ed mudville |
When it's hardest to see........properly
KNOW she's with you, even when you don't FEEL it. And especially when all you feel is vacuum...KNOW it.
Call me crazy, because the truth might be......But this is something I believe down to the very core. I refuse to believe anything else.
Grit yer teeth folks, cause I think this is going to take alot of us longer than we know, think or like. Hang in there cause the best part is; the sun always rises.
Speaking of which, I always like to think of the sunshine on my face as a kiss of strength and hope from Paula.
harlequin romance maybe, but the next time you (male/female) are outside on a cool sunny day. Look up. Close your eyes and feel the love.
Matt |
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| cannot do anything |
March 30, 2005 16:42 |
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rhonda
calgary |
except sit and sleep and watch the snow fall
no desire
to do anything
my list was not that long - get some groceries, meet a friend for lunch, have a shower and get dressed
i cannot do
any of it
but i Windexed my coffee table
the shelves with books and pictures
will have to wait
another day
when i cannot do anything
2:30PM in pajamas still
my brain slowed
heaviness uneasiness
wondering where you are
what you are doing
and what you would say
to me now
it has been 108 days
since you've been gone
time goes forward and
i cannot do
anything about it |
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| You are everywhere that I go... |
March 28, 2005 23:38 |
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Haley
Makawao, Maui |
It has taken me so long to gather my feelings and muster up the emotion to sit down and write something on this site. I have been writing in my head since the day I received the phone call telling me of Paula's accident. I find her everywhere I go, though--which makes me cry sometimes, but always makes me smile. I will miss her for the rest of my life...
What comforts me presently is that I know in my heart that Paula knew how much I truly loved her. and admired her. and grew with her. She was one of those women in my life who has taught me the kind of woman I would like to become...and will continue to teach me.
Today I am in my new island home, and I miss her like no other. I will never forget the first time Paula made me laugh...I laughed so hard I cried--I mean I almost pissed my pants, if not, just slightly! ya know what I'm talkin' about?!
ahhh Paula. You are a gem. you are dynamic.
Peace to you, today.
Haley |
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| Comming to terms |
March 25, 2005 18:07 |
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Ryan Proulx
Calgary, Ab |
It's been quite a while since the tragic accident that took such a wonderful life from us. This is the first time i have had a chance to visit the site, and i'm so impressed with the dedication, and the friends that our dear friend Paula has. I work at Fitness on 5th, and had the opprotunity to work with Paula. She was such an inspiration. She had so much bounce to her life. Yet the bounce was taken out of her through her illness. I wouldn't call it an illness, more of a blessing, Paula was such a giving, loving, wonderful young lady.
Paula taught me some important life lessons throught the short time that i knew her, and i will take those with me wherever my life will take me. |
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| spring |
March 25, 2005 09:44 |
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rhonda
calgary |
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Happy Easter Paula! |
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| Night B4 Pearl Jam |
March 12, 2005 14:46 |
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Dawn Miller(Gibber)
Milton, ON |
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Picture of Paula and I the night B4 Pearl Jam |
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| exuberance |
March 9, 2005 14:49 |
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rhonda
calgary |
"Exuberance is an abounding, ebullient, effervescent emotion. It is kinetic and unrestrained, joyful, irrepressible. It is not happiness, although they share a border. It is instead, at its core, a more billowing state. Certainly it is no lulling sense of contentment: exuberance leaps, bubbles, and overflows, propels its energy through troop and tribe. It spreads upward and outward, like pollen toted by dancing bees, and in this carrying ideas are moved and actions taken. The exuberant move above the horizon, exposed and vulnerable." (Exuberance, The Passion For Life. Kay Redfield Jamison, 2004)
Paula and I were hanging out at my place late one night in November 2004. We were talking about books, discussing ideas and getting excited about the endless possibilities for our lives in 2005. We'd planned to go on a yoga retreat (or in the absence of cash, have a spa weekend at my house), go on a winter camping trip, and
meet every Wednesday morning "to build something." One morning I woke up and she was already gone to work. She had drawn this picture of a blue angelic figure reaching to the Light, and a note saying, "have a happy day Rhonda!"
That night Paula read aloud the above passage from one of my favorite writers, Kay Redfield Jamison. I knew she could relate to the concept of exuberance. Paula WAS exuberance. After that she borrowed the book, and when I asked her how she liked it, she was so pumped. "I'm reading about John Muir and Theodore Roosevelt!"
Like them, Paula was infectiously enthusiastic, stupendously energetic and she left the world a wilder and more beautiful place because of her vision and action. Paula was a torch-bearer with her passion and inpsiration.
In the words of Roosevelt: "We run with the torches until we fall, passing them to the hands of the other runners: these are the torch-bearers; these are they who have dared the Great Adventure."
I miss you my friend...I know you are carrying a brightly lit torch wherever you are...Namaste |
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| Summer Fun |
March 8, 2005 11:43 |
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Christie Pashby
Canmore, AB |
Every so often my husband Max and I will be walking down a trail or driving through town and we'll see someone who reminds us of Paula - a young woman with an intense natural beauty like Paula's. Then we'll shake our heads and wonder, again, how we could have lost her.
The happy memories flow though. Like my 30th birthday, a summer barbecue at Lake Minnewanka. Paula and I had downed a few G and Ts before even leaving my house. By the time we got there, we were a bit loopy, and even tried to go for a swim in the freezing lake before a friend stopped us. She was my partner in crime that night for sure!
That was a magical summer of fun with my friend Paula. We went for late night swims at less-freezing lakes nearby to beat the heatwave. We drove with the windows down, Jack Johnson on the stereo, dressed in nothing but a sarong. We hit the patio most nights, had leisurely drinks on her back lawn, many barcecues, dinner at the Summit, watched really bad movies. We talked about so many things then. Although I forget what the exact words, I clearly remember it was always about living life to the fullest.
I miss you Paulita! |
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| Trail Crew Days |
March 3, 2005 12:18 |
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Shelly
Calgary Alberta |
I had the honour of meeting and working with Paula on the BNP trailcrew for a few summers. She was good to work with. Always keen and wasn't afraid to shout out for bears(some of my favorite bear shouts are Paula's).Like all trailcrew partners we had our moments but for the most part we worked really well together. We had some good adventures away from work as well. Athabasca in a lightening storm an all time favorite.
I was with Paula her final days on the crew. We were in the Palliser area for a nine day tour. There was going to be alot of hiking involved and she had brought every pair of footwear possible. She was determined. Around day five we left the cabin together and after about 10 minutes I was ahead of her quite aways(an event that rarely happened unless she didn't sleep all night, biked in from Castle junction to work and then hiked up Corey pass). I made my way back and when I met her it was so clear she was in alot of pain and it wasn't going to happen. Circumstances allowed us to fly out that day and that was the end.
Unfortunately we didn't really keep in touch after this day. I admit I was frustrated with her I really didn't understand what she was all about. Do I regret not keeping in touch? Yes it is so obvious what a speacil person she was. I dream of Paula once in awhile I use that as a sign to share my memory. I hope it is"all good" Paula where ever you are. |
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