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ascent July 28, 2010 01:41
les    head in the clouds
.
This is my dream as I remember it. And how it felt.

We are climbing. You are the lead. We are up very high; dangerously high, into the blustery winds. I can feel ice granules prickle my face. I am getting very tired. My muscles are jittery. I close my eyes and press my head against the mountain and try to catch my breath. Through the thunder of angry winds I can hear my heart thumping against the rock face. I look up at you and you are not there, I see only a vortex of snow, ice and cloud.

“PAULA!” I scream. “Wait for me!” I strain to hear the sound of your voice in the wind, but it is not there. “PAULA...!” I yell again up into the void where ice, snow, wind is caught in my nose, eyes, mouth. I am angry now. I dig my crampons into the (goddamn!) icy rock and blindly reach for any handholds available and attempt to scamper up the mountain. I think of how stubborn you are. It is less about climbing now and more about chasing you.

Then I hear your laughter in the wind. You are laughing?! “PAULA WAIT FOR ME!” I scream at you, incredulous, frustrated.

Suddenly you are there. Your face. You are smiling. “We are almost there.” You say. I am angry at you. And then you are gone again; you have disappeared into the blizzard. “PAULA..!” I call after you.

I want you to stop. I want to have a conversation. I want you to stop and talk to me.

I press on. (I don’t know why but) I close my eyes to the wind, reach up into the air, and aimlessly pat the rock above in search of your foot, or your rope, or your hand, like a blind woman grasping for the next rung on a ladder. I am desperate now. I recklessly climb as high and as fast as I’ve ever climbed.

It seems eons. Breathless, I pull myself over the last ledge... I have reached the summit. I have climbed as high as I can go.

It is silent. The wind has muted. The air is clear. It is sunny. My heartbeat slows. The snow is magical in the sunlight. I look around for you. You are not there. There is no sign of you. There is no rope, no footprints...

I stand in the beauty of my surroundings. Were you ever here at all?
Yes you were. You were here.

And then I understand.

I realise sadly, but calmly, that you are where I cannot go. I cannot catch you. You are up too high; on an altogether different ascent.

I understand, Paula. I love you.
passed thru my mind today.... May 15, 2010 17:40
Cath    AZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
you danced through my memory today... you laughed - i smiled...

it instantly became a better day
the sea May 13, 2010 09:50
me    near
.
i CAN'T believe THAT song was playing at THAT exact moment!
some things just cannot be explained
or understood
and i like it this way
the way it is!
thanks for being near.

"Flocking to the sea...
Crowds of people wait for me
Seagulls scavenge,
Steal ice cream
Worries vanish
Within my dream

I left my soul there,
Down by the sea
I lost control here
Living free..."
April 27 April 27, 2010 13:44
bum    head
.
i probably shouldn't write a whole lot b/c as you know i've allowed anger to seep back up to the surface

i'm wokring on it. 'the anger' i mean. i'll probably always be a little 'angry' but i'm working on it...

i wish you could join me in the ocean.
sigh...you and me surfing...

getting hard to get started on some things without you

but i am grateful for the "little things"
that we know are not so little
no real reason March 17, 2010 21:29
catherine tonner    sunny arizona
well... here i am... relaxing in arizona with the parents and brother and what is on TV??? some special about Larry Bird.... and I'm taken back to the day when you forced me (albeit - half hearted-ly) to watch the new MAGIC JOHNSTON dvd...

i want to say that you had recently had your wisdom teeth removed and i was hanging out to help pass the awful swollen bruised time.... those were the days, those were the days.

a day doesn't go by - that i don't think about you...

i love and miss you daily

cath xo
Thinking of you January 13, 2010 18:25
Jamie P    Muskoka
Hey P
I know it took me way too long to write on here, but I just couldn't. I think of you all the time, remembering our crazy high school days, and then hanging out together out west. I smile and sometimes laugh out loud when i think of you. thanks.
Running December 16, 2009 23:06
Lesley Wigmore    Banff, AB
Paula,

My husband always reminds me that you are watching when I'm having a moment of weakness during our daily run. I think of you often.
Remembering December 13, 2009 21:54
Jenn    Oakville, ON
Thinking of you and your loved ones.
Miss You December 12, 2009 20:04
Lindsay    Calgary
Thinking of you today…I can’t believe it has been five years since I have had a high five or “great job little buddy” come my way. My life was changed forever on this day but I am a better person for having you in my life. Thanks for all your love and support not a day goes by that I don’t feel it!

Rest well my friend…luv always

Lindsay
Miss you December 12, 2009 10:29
Aunt Linda    Sarnia
My Dear niece I acknowledge this day.You are much loved and missed.

Love Aunt Linda
X0
I did it... December 12, 2009 02:52
Jasmine    Saskatoon
Well... I finished the exam to end all exams today...
All of the slog to get to this place that you were so sure I'd be... thank you for your help. I could never have done it without you.
mountaineering thesis November 11, 2009 01:16
sister    oz
.
Found this on the net!
I never told you ('cause I guess I was too young to understand all what writing a thesis entailed), but good job and congrats and I'm proud of you as always.

http://amicus.collectionscanada.gc.ca/aaweb-bin/aamain/itemdisp?sessionKey=999999999_142&l=0&d=2&v=0&lvl=1&itm=20393274
Thinking of you October 12, 2009 17:33
Jorge Perez    Medford, OR
Hello Paula, it was 10 years ago the last time I saw you in person and I haven't gone a day where I don't crack a smile when you come into my thoughts. Thanks for the memories.
some years ago...about this time of the year... August 10, 2009 22:57
catherine tonner    dallas texas
it was some time ago - about this time of the year.... you had been tree planting somewhere far far away over the summer and you had stopped into milton to see your parents and les - i was so lucky - bc you came over and hung out w me at my parents house... i remember it vividly - we sat in my backyard with our legs in the pool; talking about your adventures tree planting and how much fun you had had: mosquitos, little sleep, no showers.... UGH!!! i remember thinking 'paula is freakin crazy!!!' - that SO _emphasis added_ didnt sound fun to me... but either way - i could see in her eyes the pure excitement as she recounted all the amazing things she did...
i would endure all the mosquitos in the world, never sleep or shower again if we could sit in my parents backyard with our legs in the pool just one more time.

always thinking and remembering you...

love cath
Sushi and Sam August 2, 2009 08:27
poopy    around
.
This was a good night eh?

"Everything moves real slow when it's forty below..."
Today of all days I think of you June 11, 2009 15:13
Gibber    Milton, Ontario
I miss you
Thinking of You May 28, 2009 21:08
Rose    Calgary
I am getting married next week. We have a memory table to honor those not with us, I will have a framed picture of you on the table with your bright eyes shining. Wishing you were here.
Mothers Day May 10, 2009 08:35
Mom    Sarnia, Ontario
I remember one Mothers Day in particular. When Paula was quite young, she surprised me with a cup of tea in bed. I really didnt like tea in the morning especially with milk and sugar, but I drank every drop.
Miss you. xxoo
April 27 April 27, 2009 19:01
Rhonda, Stu, & Hunter    Airdrie, AB
Thoughts of you. Thanks for everything Paula. We miss you.
4/27 April 27, 2009 03:16
bumhead    oz
.
Hello!

I love you Fartface!

Love,
Poopy/Bumhead.
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